Sunday, September 18, 2011

Dhoni gets pro help to answers critics after England tour

In spite of best efforts by 'Kingfisher Model' Poonam Pandey, Team India (...i hate that expression... as if the BCCI cricket team is the whole country but whatever...) lost to England.

Expecting a major QnA session from the media, our Captain Cool (...hate that one too!...), Do-nee, went to some leaders-of-another-kind to get a heads up on answering difficult questions. 

Here is what they had to advise him:

1. PM 'Man-maun don't-sing : O Do-nee ji! don't worry.. here is what u say...
"We are aware of the questions being raised after our tour to England. Our loss is due to multi-faceted, multi-functional, multi-dimensional (aur do chaar multi aap laga lena...) problems. We want to assure the fans that we will take strong steps to stop such incidents in future. Strong action will be taken against those responsible. But, there is no magic wand against losing."

I can go on for another ten minutes, but u get the idea, right?

2. Kapil 'see-ball' : First, learn to smile. Its not a big deal. Under CrPC 2234 and CrAP 2011, every team is allowed to lose matches. Target the people who are asking difficult questions. Ask them if they have never lost 10 matches in a row. Plus, tell them, we have actually not lost, since the BCCI still made money. (Loss to exchequer is ZERO!)

3. P Chee-dam-bhram : See! You must speak slowly, as if you are talking some 'heavy' philosophical, uber-intellectual stuff. Here's what you must say...
The players acted on their own, so the captain cannot be held responsible.
An average cricketer spends 14 hours a day on his feet. Its not easy to be a cricketer, you have to speak well, shoot for ads, travel 200 days a year. An average bowler swings his arms 10,000 times and an average batsman has to swing a 2kg bat 20,000 times a day. You cannot expect them to win every time. Plus, there is no intelligence to tell the batsmen whether the ball will swing out or in!

Thankfully, Do-nee didn't take their advise too seriously and instead chose to evade the press conference. He did send a message: "Sorry, we lost. Will work harder next time. Dravid is great!"

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